News and Ting, 8/1/07

* Terrifying news from Mansfield, where it appears they've bypassed crossbows and entered the age of gunpowder. It transpires that Mouth-Breather 1, Mouth-Breather 2, Mouth-Breather 3 and Mouth-Breather 4 were caught on CCTV waving a ball-bearing gun out of a teefed I'm-Scared-Of-People-Carrier in the middle of the village - either on a revenge mission on some other youths who'd done 'em over in a club, or because they were starting a Rollerball team. According to a copper interviewed by Eeev-nin Poh-werst;

They had no idea the high quality of the CCTV images meant detectives would be able to identify them.

Presumably, they assumed that CCTV boxes contained a really little man with a sketchpad and some pencils. And to think that a mere five years ago, this was the more common way of settling differences in that part of the world.

* A junior school in Sherwood is getting its own in-house police officer, the jammy little fuckers. When I was at junior school, the third most exciting thing ever (after the Goodyear blimp going over the playground and a three hour scrap between the first and second-best fighters in the school) was when a copper came over and let a kid whose birthday it was have a go on his horse. Now some ungrateful little bastard is going to get a shot on some serious riot gear and a helicopter. It's not fair.

* For the first time ever, the police will be using forensic evidence to nail cowboy builders who conned a pensioner out of twenty grand. I dunno how they propose to do this, but the words 'swab test' and 'arse crack' are flashing in my mind.