"Er, just rub her tits, Jason. And play with her fanneh a bit"

Dunno if you're aware, but when I'm not representing for the NG and putting in work for the set at LeftLion, I make some sort of a living writing about sex and relationships for mags like Scarlet and Cosmo as a sexpert (which means I have sex, then I spert, tee hee).

Therefore, it gives me a not inconsiderable tingle in me loins to announce the launch of Todger Talk, a new sex blog that is put together by myself and a couple of other very eminent people. One of them is Sam Van Rood, who is GMTV's Love Doctor. This means that if Eamonn Holmes, for example, ever got worried about erectile dysfunction, or Lorraine Kelly wanted to have a go at Pony Play but was unsure about what kind of bridle to get, Sam would be the one they'd be having a discreet word with in the pub. Probably. My other compadre Dr Ayan featured in the BBC series Street Doctors, and was once filmed talking to blokes about their prostates in Viccy Centre. Which makes him absolutely ROCK in my eyes.

My first post is here, and is not advisable reading for anyone who is having their tea. Particularly if you're having a dollop of Heinz Tomato Ketchup on their fish fingers.

(PS: Fret not, my local bread-bins: the post level in MCN is not going to suffer because of it. Promise)

10 people that need to be interviewed for LeftLion in 2007

1. AXEMAN*

With the departure of Xylophone Man still hanging over us, this man is the reigning champ of local heroes, no question. I first met him in 1980, where he used to terrify teeny-Mods outside Pendulum Records in Viccy Market with tales of his Hells Angels chapter and what they got up to at the Sal on Friday nights (Obviously, if we hadn't been such thick twats, we would have wondered what a Hells Angel was doing outside Pendulum Records on a Saturday afternoon, instead of drinking blood and raping goats for Satan, but there you go). 27 years later and he's still got that Wonder Woman headband on, even though he's got a gammy leg these days and needs a stick.

*I never call him 'Axeman', because I know him as 'Machete Max' - because that's what he said his name was in 1980. But I'm prepared to go with the majority on this one.

2. SU POLLARD

Obvious choice, because she's Mother Nottingham, she's always kept her accent and she's always kept it real. Problem is, even though she seems to be at the Theatre Royal every other month I'm scared to interview her, due to the constant insistence by the LL Editor that I have to try and cop off with her afterwards. If you still have a copy of the Summer '05 issue of the 'Lion, you see that somewhere in the corner is a image of me having sex with her in the Market Square, which got us banned from Capital One for the month.

3. STEVE GREEN

Question One: Why did you disband the drug squad in Notts so you could spent the money on combating burglaries, when everyone knows that a scary percentage of kids break into houses to feed addictions? Question Two: Why were you always on telly two years ago banging on about how horrible Nottingham was? Question Three: Who told you to shut up?

4. JIMMY SIRRELL

A legend, whose only crime was managing the other club in town in the same era as the God-Like Brian. The brilliant Steak...Diana Ross by David McVay paints him as a wizened, foul-mouthed gnomic sage who would always lick the top of the tomato ketchup bottle during pre-match meals in hotels. Amazingly, still alive.

5. KWS

I've already interviewed Philip Wright of Paper Lace for the 'Lion - now I want the only other Nottingham band to make it to Number One.

6. EBBY, THE MAD GERMAN FOREST SUPPORTER

I've mentioned him earlier, but it bears repeating; German accountant from Dusseldorf decides to borrow cash off his Dad to see Liverpool v Forest at Anfield in 1978, pays a Scouse tout £120(!) for a ticket, falls in love with Forest, and commutes to England every weekend during the season since. He goes to all the games - home and away - and then has his Sunday dinner at the Variety, does the strippers-and-bingo thing, and then flies home. If you're a Forest fan, you either love him or hate him. That's a story, people.

7. JOHN ROBERTSON

Yeah, more Forestness, but I don't care; for people of a certain age, the man is a bigger hero than Psycho. When I was 12 and spent the six-week holiday at me Grandpa's in the Meadows, I used to spend every day at the City Ground following the players about. Robbo would always arrive late, hungover as fuck, bellowing out whatever Radio Trent was playing on his car radio. When they went for their mid-morning jog, he would be miles behind, and more often than not, could be seen having a piss under Trent Bridge, looking like shit on a stick. And he was still one of the best players we've ever had, and (playing the Peter Taylor role with Martin O'Neill) is one of the few Clough disciples who have made a successful go at management.

8. GORDON, THE BINGO CALLER AT THE VARIETY

The Vice issue on poverty in Nottingham was absolute shit-stirring, Nathan-Barleyesque rammell, but I was so fucked off that they got to The Variety before we did. Gordon is sadly retired now, but as a former bingo caller myself I would love to commune with him. PS: Variety Club Fanny Fest?!

9. SNEINTON ELVIS

I've heard about this bloke, but am convinced that someone is taking the piss. Can anyone help?

10. AN ABSOLUTE SHITLOAD OF BANDS

Honestly, it's a bleeder trying to follow the music scene in Notts; you think you have a list of the 12 top bands in the city, and then some other mag will come out with 12 you haven't even heard of.

Yeah, so I'm a lazy get.

(soz.)

2007 promises to be a right interesting year for our dear home town, as it tries to shake off its reputation as The Most Dangerous, Gun-Infested City In The Entire World whilst at the same time ramming in as many shops, bars and students as possible (when everyone can see that there's got be a recession sooner or later, there's far too many shops and pubs in town as it is, God knows why they're expanding the Broado when everyone knows it ought to be reduced to the size of a Rubik Cube, and a university education is now an unaffordable luxury to huge swathes of kids).

Highlights this year will include;

The Square Reopening

Or will it? This should have happened months ago, and Goths, people who like falling off skateboards in public and pigeons are all tapping their feet and whining softly to themselves in barely-disguised frustration. Like I said before - if they had listened to me and just put down one massive slab, it would have been done by now.

The Tory Spring Party Conference Comes To Nottingham

Oh God, kill me now. If you think it's bad enough when one media twat comes up to Notts to sniff around for disaffected youth injecting heroin into their eyeballs and shooting each other, you're advised to spend the week in the caves under the castle, because this is going to be horrible. Expect David Cameron to lay hands on black kids in St Anns and the Meadows, quite possibly with a bandana on.

Forest To Finally Escape The Misery Of Division Three

Yes, they're having a mid-season wobble, but fret not; they are too good for this division and will make it out by April at the very latest. Trust me. And let's not discount Notts' chances either - it's a right lucky bag of a division and they're due a bit of good fortune.

The Clough Statue To Go Up

The money's been raised, and they're looking to commission an artist. Well looking forward to seeing this in town.

Nottingham To Look Less Like A Building Site

Hopefully.

LeftLion To Raise Its Game Even Further

At long last, we're getting office space and will no longer have to run things from a living room in Sherwood. Expect a significant rise in quality this year.

Normal service resumes tomorrow. Until then, enjoy this delightful clip passed on by the rather wonderful NFFC Blog featuring Ebby (the mad German bloke who used to commute from Dusseldorf to Forest's home and away games), being chased round the stage of the Variety in Radford by Gordon the Bingo Caller, a naked gimp, and Jesus.

What the fuck am I gooin' on abaaht?

If you've just stumbled across this and wondering why anyone would bother compiling a blog of little else but links from the Nottingham Evening Post's rammell website, I'll explain; I write the Notts The Nine O'Clock News column in LeftLion, which is surprisingly popular. It does me head in how more people come up to me and want to talk about it than anything else I've ever written for mags like Cosmo, Scarlet, The Daily Mirror, When Saturday Comes and all the shit I usually get paid for, so I might as well put a bit more effort into it.

And I'm sick to death of having to spend hours trawling through two months of stories about the council spending hundreds of thousands of pounds on bins to get to the juicy stuff. So I'm setting this up as an aide memoire, or whatever you call it.

I'll try to make it as entertaining as possible, promise.