Wednesday, August 06, 2008

There It Is, you fat banjo-twanging CUNT

May Contain Notts' previously dormant interest has been piqued by goings-on in the charming village of Cotgrave, where a local mouth-breather has been given three years for racially harassing a local takeaway, making them deliver pizzas to his house, and generally gooin' abaaht reckoning he's summat. (There was a picture of him on the Post website, but it's gone. But then again, all these twats look the same - imagine a gibbon that's been licking lead paint off a stick all day, and then had a full-body shave). Christ on a crisp packet, it's one thing to run a shop and get robbed by the local Deliverance extra. It's another thing entirely to actually have to take the shit to the fucker's house. Deepest sympathies to the Shalimar takeaway (you can't miss it - it's in between Five Star Key-Cutters and Kid Creole Krazy Kuts).
The problems started after Mahboob Ulhaq, owner of Shalimar, Cotgrave, gave a police statement about one of Raynor's friends.

Raynor stormed into the takeaway and said: "You are in my village, do as I say."
Yeah, I've seen that sign; "WELCOME TO COTGRAVE. A BIG FAT CUNT WITH BITS OF PEPPERONI IN HIS TEETH OWNS IT. DO WHAT HE SAYS AT ALL TIMES". I bet he even waved a fist dead close to his face like Bully Beef while he was saying it, an'all.

Thankfully, there's a silver lining amongst all this racist mouth-breathery. We've all had our doubts about the standards of hygiene in certain pizza places. After reading this story, I have the comforting image in my head of a kitchen in Cotgrave, with Jeffrey Daniel and Howard Hewett lowering their leather disco trousers and masturbating furiously onto a deep-crust, while Jody Watley empties her nostrils Rugby League-style onto a garlic bread, and all of them growling "Gonna make THIS a night to remember, BITCH".