With the departure of Xylophone Man still hanging over us, this man is the reigning champ of local heroes, no question. I first met him in 1980, where he used to terrify teeny-Mods outside Pendulum Records in Viccy Market with tales of his Hells Angels chapter and what they got up to at the Sal on Friday nights (Obviously, if we hadn't been such thick twats, we would have wondered what a Hells Angel was doing outside Pendulum Records on a Saturday afternoon, instead of drinking blood and raping goats for Satan, but there you go). 27 years later and he's still got that Wonder Woman headband on, even though he's got a gammy leg these days and needs a stick.
*I never call him 'Axeman', because I know him as 'Machete Max' - because that's what he said his name was in 1980. But I'm prepared to go with the majority on this one.
2. SU POLLARD
Obvious choice, because she's Mother Nottingham, she's always kept her accent and she's always kept it real. Problem is, even though she seems to be at the Theatre Royal every other month I'm scared to interview her, due to the constant insistence by the LL Editor that I have to try and cop off with her afterwards. If you still have a copy of the Summer '05 issue of the 'Lion, you see that somewhere in the corner is a image of me having sex with her in the Market Square, which got us banned from Capital One for the month.
3. STEVE GREEN
Question One: Why did you disband the drug squad in Notts so you could spent the money on combating burglaries, when everyone knows that a scary percentage of kids break into houses to feed addictions? Question Two: Why were you always on telly two years ago banging on about how horrible Nottingham was? Question Three: Who told you to shut up?
4. JIMMY SIRRELL
A legend, whose only crime was managing the other club in town in the same era as the God-Like Brian. The brilliant Steak...Diana Ross by David McVay paints him as a wizened, foul-mouthed gnomic sage who would always lick the top of the tomato ketchup bottle during pre-match meals in hotels. Amazingly, still alive.
I've already interviewed Philip Wright of Paper Lace for the 'Lion - now I want the only other Nottingham band to make it to Number One.
6. EBBY, THE MAD GERMAN FOREST SUPPORTER
I've mentioned him earlier, but it bears repeating; German accountant from Dusseldorf decides to borrow cash off his Dad to see Liverpool v Forest at Anfield in 1978, pays a Scouse tout £120(!) for a ticket, falls in love with Forest, and commutes to England every weekend during the season since. He goes to all the games - home and away - and then has his Sunday dinner at the Variety, does the strippers-and-bingo thing, and then flies home. If you're a Forest fan, you either love him or hate him. That's a story, people.
7. JOHN ROBERTSON
Yeah, more Forestness, but I don't care; for people of a certain age, the man is a bigger hero than Psycho. When I was 12 and spent the six-week holiday at me Grandpa's in the Meadows, I used to spend every day at the City Ground following the players about. Robbo would always arrive late, hungover as fuck, bellowing out whatever Radio Trent was playing on his car radio. When they went for their mid-morning jog, he would be miles behind, and more often than not, could be seen having a piss under Trent Bridge, looking like shit on a stick. And he was still one of the best players we've ever had, and (playing the Peter Taylor role with Martin O'Neill) is one of the few Clough disciples who have made a successful go at management.
8. GORDON, THE BINGO CALLER AT THE VARIETY
The Vice issue on poverty in Nottingham was absolute shit-stirring, Nathan-Barleyesque rammell, but I was so fucked off that they got to The Variety before we did. Gordon is sadly retired now, but as a former bingo caller myself I would love to commune with him. PS: Variety Club Fanny Fest?!
9. SNEINTON ELVIS
I've heard about this bloke, but am convinced that someone is taking the piss. Can anyone help?
10. AN ABSOLUTE SHITLOAD OF BANDS
Honestly, it's a bleeder trying to follow the music scene in Notts; you think you have a list of the 12 top bands in the city, and then some other mag will come out with 12 you haven't even heard of.