Violent pissheaded Australian bit of rough Russell Crowe will play the Sheriff of
Heroin addicts in
According to Home Office figures, violent attacks in
Plans for a 100-metre high tower bestraddling Viccy Embankment like a environmentally-friendly Colossus are announced, featuring wind turbines, an energy learning centre and a skate park. Hopefully, someone will work out how to harness the power of middle-class kids falling off skateboards.
In order to save time when writing this, all I have to do is press Alt-Shift-Ctrl-F2 at the same time and the phrase ‘There’s been a shooting in St Anns’ pops up.
The Police announce that drink-related violent offences have dropped by 20% in the city centre. Latest figures from the Market Square beat reveal that – hang on a minute…MOST OF THAT’S BEEN A BLEDDY BUILDING SITE FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS! In other news, office stationary theft at the World Trade Centre has dropped off considerably since 2001.
Two scab-bags in Bulwell rob a local shop after threatening customers and staff with a sword. God knows what’ll happen there when someone discovers gunpowder. The youths were described as wearing ‘sports clothing’, which narrows it down to 50,000 or so people. The static coming off those Lonsdale tracky tops could electrify a Tescos.
Teenagers from Notts get sent to
More mithering over the two new tram lines that should have been built ages ago to
A Broxtowe woman is found guilty of receiving stolen goods – an entire kitchen nicked from the house across the road, whipped by an ex-boyfriend with a very large holdall and fitted while she was – ahem - bathing her kids. Hey, happens to me all the time – I curled one off this morning only to discover an entire marble bathroom suite that wasn’t there before.
The council announces that Princess Anne will open the
Newark MP Patrick Mercer is forced to quit his role as Shadow homeland security spokesman (the chocolate teapot of the political realm) after stating in an interview that he’d met ‘a lot’ of ‘idle and useless’ ethnic minority soldiers who used racism as a ‘cover’, before being defended by the usual shower of racist drippings off a dog’s bell-end.
A 17 year-old lad is stabbed to death in
The big local derby between Notts County and Mansfield – imagine
The burglary rate in
Police step up patrols in a crackdown on Bulwell mouth-breathers who throw stones at the trams and leave branches on the line, as if it was a big metal snake that was going to decimate their crops of industrial-strength hydroponic skunk and devour the local virgin.
A divvy local solicitor admits attempting to smuggle weed into the local magistrate’s court for a crim on – guess what? - a drugs offence. Thank God she wasn’t defending a TWOCer, if you know what I mean I think you do.
After weeks of voting, it is announced that the token Notts band in the opening of the
Nottingham city centre reeks of Tory, as David Cameron and the other ones no-one put a name to pretend to be a unified party on the cusp of power. See you next time there’s a General Election, chaps – oh, hang on, we won’t, because you never win owt round here unless your name’s Kenneth Clarke.
Princess Anne officially opens
Some bell-end burns down a mosque in
Wollaton Hall completes a £9M facelift, but God knows what they’ve spent the money on. There’s no loft extension, double-glazing, or even a nice fascia. Rubbish.
Sneinton Market goes up in flames, damaging seven shops. Police estimate that local businesses have lost up to £7.31, and are anxious to trace two youths who were spotted on CCTV rubbing Lonsdale trackie tops together.
165 people dressed up as Robin Hood at Nottingham Not-Really-A-Castle-When You-Think-About-It and set a world record for, well, most people dressed up as Robin Hood. Obviously. The Guinness Book of Records adjudicators move on to
Six new talking CCTV cameras are unveiled in town, specially modified to tackle anti-social behaviour. In St Anns, Hyson Green and Sneinton, a robot sucks its teet’ and calls you a ‘Dezzeh Waste Man’ when you drop a fag on the floor, while one in Hockley has been programmed to laugh at anyone holding a TK Maxx bag.
Some more greedy city-rapists launch another bid to turn Nottingham into the Happy Shopper Las Vegas, with an attempt to build Europe’s largest poker (which, as we all know, is five-card brag for the sort of gibbon who believes everything they read in FHM) club. “We will be making
According to the Home Office, crime in
There’s a massive fight at a wake in a pub in
The citizens of Nottingham stop writing whining letters to the Post that blame ‘Nu Labour’ for everything that has gone wrong in their pointless, pointless lives and wreak revenge on the Council in the local elections by, erm, increasing their majority by four seats. Meanwhile, enough people in Broxtowe scared about someone from Poland taking the benefits owed to them for sitting on their fat arses watching Trisha manage to stand upright long enough to vote in a
Aldi in Hucknall is raided by a gang of robbers who make off with bags of cash. If they’d have been really shrewd, they could have nicked loads of welding masks for a fiver each, or 500 tins of squid in tomato sauce.
Someone throws a petrol bomb into a kebab shop on
The heads of Notts County fans finally explode with laughter like that scene in Scanners, when Nottingham Forest put a £50m cart before a Third Division horse by announcing plans to move out of the City Ground to a purpose-built soulless identikit stadium in Clifton that looks like a massive bog with a red toilet seat, in order to win the right to host Potatovia v The People’s Republic of Macaroon and two other games in a 2018 World Cup that England have no chance of winning anyway because the FA couldn’t even organise a fight in the Thurland, the stupid, stupid, stupid bell-ends. It’ll make a great venue for that local derby with
Bar Humbug finally retains the right to allow skint students to get their tits out to What’s Love Got To Do With It by Tina Turner in front of office boys who are too scared to go to
The Council announce plans to slap a £350 per year price tag on parking in town, which will cost more than most people’s cars. By 2014, it’ll be cheaper to buy a car out of the Post, leave it at work and buy another one the next week.
The Warehouse Love Zoo, nee Cuba Libre, gives up its licence after the police come down on it for being the site of a stabbing. And having an incredibly rammell new name that makes it sound like an early 90s Channel 4 Yoof programme hosted by Hufty, or whatever she was called. Meanwhile, Viccy Centre is shut down for a bit when a suspect package is discovered in the car park. Probably something tasteful and not from a chain shop.
A spate of skip and wheelie bin fires sweeps through Arnold, which could be construed as evidence of Satanic ritual-killings, if they could find any virgins knocking about there.
A kid from the Meadows gets a life sentence for shooting another kid from the Meadows, in the Meadows, while they were playing at drug dealers.
A bell-end from Basford who has evidently watched Shogun Assassin far too many times attacks someone on the tram with a meat cleaver secreted in a baby’s pushchair, with the assistance of his minging missus and some other twat. The police are still examining the pushchair for blades hidden in the wheels or samurai swords secreted in the handle.
One third of our student population are given a roll of paper and told to piss off and get a job at Capital One. It’s reassuring to think that the last time you ever see people who have blighted The Social for the last three years with their show-off haircuts and braying opinions about fuck all, they’re invariably sitting in the window of the Cornerhouse Pizza Hut with Mummy and Daddy looking like absolute spanners.
The (other) Colin Gunn trial begins, with allegations of paying off bent detectives a-plenty. Reassuringly, it is revealed that, when not creating a smokescreen over the Stirland murder hunt, said bent copper is using the police database to check up on the activities of his missus. Just one phone call to Trisha, and none of this palaver would have happened. Meanwhile, Meadows Shitbag 1 and Meadows Shitbag 2 have their appeals over the murder of Danielle Beccan rubber-stamped with the words; “NO, MATE”. Oh, and Notts Police is ranked joint-worst performing in the country along with
If you’re in town and you want some water, tough shit; a mains pipe bursts in
Ilkeston Council announce plans to spend shitloads of money to reopen the local swimming pool. Plans to spend even more money to improve the gene pool remain unannounced.