The May Contain Notts Awards 2007

Welcome, everybody, to the upstairs room at the Thurland for the inaugural May Contain Notts Awards of 2007. All of Nottingham’s movers, shakers, and knifers are in attendance, and we’ve just had a splendid three-course meal in a giant cob. Ooh look, there's the Slanty N just coming out of the bogs, and Sherwood Bear is over in the corner trying to suggest a threesome with Twiggy and Jo.

Well, the bingo's just about finished, so we can finally open those envelopes and cast an eye over another eventful year for the glittering jewel of the East Midlands. And the first category is…

***SPORTS PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR***

Yes, it’s been another great year for sport in Notts, just as long as you’re not arsed about football, and you really, really, really like ice hockey. The nominees are;

Carl Froch, for having another unbeaten year

…including a five-round mashing of former WBC champ Robin Reid in November. Anyone who can make people in Nottingham actually pay to see someone punch someone else in the face must be pretty special.

Forest and Notts twats, for running about on the pitch at Meadow Lane in a preseason friendly, like bell-ends

Local teet’-sucking mouth-breathers from the Forest end forego their usual Happy Meal to partake in the Kids For A Quid scheme and run on the pitch at the end of the game, only to be chased off by Fat Dads in the Notts end, shaking their fists like Mr The Menace after Dennis has put a ball through his greenhouse. Tsk.

Nottingham Forest, for pissing away a two-goal lead to Yeovil in the playoffs

I was there. It was like your missus trying to resurrect your beached whale of a relationship by giving you a lap-dance, only for her to leave a 12-inch skid mark on your best trousers.

Notts County, for officially becoming the worst club in the country to support

...confirming what we all knew anyway.

and the winner is…

Neil Harris, for shitting on the floor of Muse after Forest celebrate getting battered 5-0 by Oldham by acting like nob-ends in town.

Well done, Neil. Don’t move, let me just put this newspaper underneath you. Here’s your award, now fuck off back to Millwall you chatty bastard. And our next award is...

***SMALL BUSINESSPERSON OF THE YEAR***

It goes without saying that Nottingham is teeming with enterprising people with their eye on an opening in the market. Particularly Bulwell Market. So what if most of what they do is a bit, well, illegal? The runners-up are;

The bloke who nicked an entire kitchen out of his next-door neighbours house

With a special mention to his missus, who claimed that she was bathing her kid the entire time that he re-fitted it and was surprised to find it there afterwards.

That smackhead in St Anns, for continuing to claim her next-door neighbours pension 18 months after he’d died and was found by the police in an advanced state of decomposition

Shane Meadows’ next film virtually writes itself.

Another St Anns twat, for taking advantage of his mate getting stabbed to death at a pub in town to rob £324 out of the till

You’ve got to admire anyone who can see the fiscal advantages of a bad situation. I can imagine him trapped in the World Trade Centre on September 11^th, thinking “Skill! While everyone’s chucking themselves out the window, I can absolutely rinse the stationary cupboard!”

That bloke from Notts who grew the strongest weed ever discovered in the UK

Mmm, green heroin. Who needs mild euphoria when you could have brain haemorrhage ?

But the winner is…

Those two bent coppers, for losing their jobs and getting jailed for passing on information to crims about murder investigations

…in return for discounts on clothes from that shop in town where chavs get their suits for their next court appearance. Here’s your award, plus a £5 voucher for TK Maxx.

More awards later. But now, put your hands together for the one and only SU POLLARD!

Thanks Su. And talking of the great artistic bounty that Nottingham has bestowed to the world, our next award is…

***CULTURAL EVENT OF THE YEAR***

Nottingham, as we all know, could not be more vibrant and eclectic if it turned itself into a massive Aboriginal dildo, and 2007 saw many huge developments. Broadway getting some new enormous blue windows. The council erecting George Best’s old house on top of some old buildings. And some other things. And our nominees are;

The stripper from Arnold, for her thought-provoking performance art piece at a local school

When I was at school, there was always one girl who would show you her bits in exchange for a copy of Smash Hits. Obviously, now that said mag is defunct, I applaud Arnold Hill School for taking steps to remedy the situation.

The fountains in the Square, for thought-provokingly not working for a bit

Yoko Ono must have been right pissed off for not coming up with this one; spend a fortune on the piping, construction and planning of a new fountain that youths can’t empty a bottle of Squezy into, which then produces…nothing. Apart from a flood of mithering letters to the Post.

Unknown graffiti artist, for the thought-provoking ‘Suck Your Mum’

If you live in the South of England and are travelling to Nottingham by train, what is the first thing you see when you reach our lovely hometown? Nottingham Castle? The Inland Revenue offices that look like a Nazi POW camp? Those horrible signs that say ‘WELCOME TO NOTTINGHAM – HOME OF CAPITAL ONE’? No; you see a huge piece that says, to everyone coming to our city, ‘SUCK YOUR MUM’. Simple. Minimalist. Genius.

The Millz Taliban, for their thought-provoking YouTube video

It’s not there anymore, but you already know what it looked like; shitty Grime music. Misspelled captions. Twats waving guns about. Obligatory shot of someone else’s pit-bull. Etc.

And the winner is…

That bloke who has a massive thought-provoking Gay wizard on his back

Obvious choice. Here’s your prize, Sir – a massive tattoo of the Village People on your face. Next award, please...

***THE LUDICROUSLY VIOLENT INCIDENT OF THE YEAR***

Naturally, this is the most fiercely-contested award tonight – so much so, that all the nominees have been strapped up to those mobile Hannibal Lecter restrainers. And the runners-up are…

The inbred cousins from Eastwood who started hitting each other with pool balls in socks in a pub in town, because they were bored

Back in the day, they would have settled their differences with a banjo duel. Nowadays, it appears that our neighbours in Bandit Country like to play Human Conkers of an evening.

That nob from Broxtowe, for attacking someone on the tram with a meat cleaver

Not just any meat cleaver, though – a meat cleaver secreted inside a baby’s pram, like Shogun fucking Assassin. Still, as anyone with a babby knows, it’s a right mither remembering to take everything you need out with you. Nappies…bottle…sun hat…dummy…favourite teddy…throwing death stars…

The father and son from Broxtowe, for beating the shit out of two blokes who they thought had robbed from their house

Say what you like about Charles Bronson and the Death Wish series, but you must admit that he had a bit more class than walking about a street in Bilborough with a hammer in one hand and a golf club in another. Especially when you’ve got the wrong house.

That dealer in Basford, for stabbing a bloke in the eye because he wouldn’t buy any drugs off him

No, mate. If you want to get on as a dealer, you offer the first one free, or you offer a discount. What you don’t do is say “Ey! Buy mah foo-kin droogs, or I’ll shank yoh!”

But the winner is…

That meathead from Bulwell who has been banned from every pub in Notts bar five

An outstanding achievement, as I’m sure you’ll all agree. We now go over by satellite to one of the five pubs he’s still allowed to drink in…oh…we appear to be having some technical difficulties…he appears to be…beating people to death with the camera. Oh well.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for a short break in the proceedings. Here’s….ALVIN STARDUST BEING JABBERED AT BY A DUTCHMAN!

Ta, Alvin. Without further ado, we move on to a very special award indeed…

***THE MAY CONTAIN NOTTS LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD FOR UTTER CUNTISHNESS AND TALKING ABSOLUTE MINGE ABOUT NOTTINGHAM***

So how the FUCK can Nottingham be the fourth worst place in the country to live in when FUCKING MANSFIELD is only ninth, you BELL-ENDS? Have you EVER BEEN TO FUCKING MANSFIELD, you smug, know-nothing, DRIBBLINGS OF WANK DOWN THE FACE OF AN ELDERLY PROSTITUTE? HAVE YOU? HAVE YOU? I’ll tell you the worst place to live in the UK – INSIDE YOUR SHIT-ENCRUSTED, MEDIA-WHORISH, DELICIOUSLY-PUNCHABLE CUNTY HEADS. Take your award, stick it up your fucking arses, and FUCK OFF WHILE YOU’RE DOING IT.

Ahem. And our next award is…

***THE WORST THING TO HAPPEN TO NOTTINGHAM IN 2007***

Always a favourite category, this one. And the nominees are…

The Broadmarsh Centre, for wanting to get bigger

What kind of a lead paint-licking gibbon would want to increase the Broado by three times, when it’s obvious to anyone in Nottingham that the best thing that could happen to the place is to reduce in size, preferably to the size of a matchbox. Ooh yes, let’s have another Top Shop five minutes walk from the other ones, that’s a great idea.

Skegness, for burning down

Weep, Nottingham. Weep.

The Variety, for shutting down

This place was the 70s in aspic. It should have been a National Heritage site for the preservation of dodgy comedians and dodgier strippers. Sigh.

The Evening Post, for allowing local racists and pissy-knickered mitherers to comment on their website

Jesus, have you been on there? It’s like being trapped in a room with your least favourite uncle.

Nottingham City Transport, for axing the weekday Night Bus Service

Eejat bwoy.

And the winner is…

Nottingham Forest, for wanting to leave the City Ground and move to a 50,000-seater Mega-Bog in Clifton

Come on, Mark Arthur, get up here and take this award. Go on, do that bit where you say that Forest are going to be in the Premiership in a few years time…HA HA HA! What’s that? ‘World Cup venue’? HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Oh Mark, we’re going to have to book you for next year’s awards, you’re fucking killin’ meh.

And now, the final award of the year is…

***THE BEST THING TO HAPPEN TO NOTTINGHAM IN 2007***

When you think about it, 2007 was very good to Notts. Don’t believe me? Have a look at the nominees…

The Not As New As It Was Old Market Square, for finally not being a building site any more

Yeah, you can moan about the fountains not working, or the expense, or getting Toneh ‘Ahleh Aht O’ Spandaah Balleh to open it, but the fact remains; it’s so good to have it back.

The Hard Rock Café, for shutting down

No offence to it – apart from the fact that it was some rubbish touristy dive of the type beloved by Italian exchange students in pastels – but it used to grieve me sore to see that lovely building that divided King Street and Queen Street defiled with a big and horrible sign. And it’s going to be the location of the new Cloughie statue.

Steve Green, for announcing his retirement in 2008

Sorry Steve, you seem like a pretty nice bloke, but you really shouldn’t have nobbed off the Drug Squad to concentrate on burglary.

Central News East, for shutting down in 2008

Goodbye, skateboarding rabbits. Goodbye, deliberately interviewing the most toothless window-lickers you can find in the Square for vox-pops. Goodbye, pretending to be in a floating News-Pod in the middle of the Trent when you’re actually in a studio in Birmingham. Goodbye, that rubbish news-reader with the funny-shaped head.

And the winner is…

Colin Gunn, for being sent to the Naughty House

Say no more.

And that concludes the May Contain Notts Awards of 2007. Thanks for watching, and may your New Years Eve be as much of a gargantuan piss-up as ours is. See you all next year, and to see us out…BRING ON THE DANCING GIRLS!

Happy New Year, and – as always – STAY NOTTS.