Wednesday, August 06, 2008

There It Is, you fat banjo-twanging CUNT

May Contain Notts' previously dormant interest has been piqued by goings-on in the charming village of Cotgrave, where a local mouth-breather has been given three years for racially harassing a local takeaway, making them deliver pizzas to his house, and generally gooin' abaaht reckoning he's summat. (There was a picture of him on the Post website, but it's gone. But then again, all these twats look the same - imagine a gibbon that's been licking lead paint off a stick all day, and then had a full-body shave). Christ on a crisp packet, it's one thing to run a shop and get robbed by the local Deliverance extra. It's another thing entirely to actually have to take the shit to the fucker's house. Deepest sympathies to the Shalimar takeaway (you can't miss it - it's in between Five Star Key-Cutters and Kid Creole Krazy Kuts).
The problems started after Mahboob Ulhaq, owner of Shalimar, Cotgrave, gave a police statement about one of Raynor's friends.

Raynor stormed into the takeaway and said: "You are in my village, do as I say."
Yeah, I've seen that sign; "WELCOME TO COTGRAVE. A BIG FAT CUNT WITH BITS OF PEPPERONI IN HIS TEETH OWNS IT. DO WHAT HE SAYS AT ALL TIMES". I bet he even waved a fist dead close to his face like Bully Beef while he was saying it, an'all.

Thankfully, there's a silver lining amongst all this racist mouth-breathery. We've all had our doubts about the standards of hygiene in certain pizza places. After reading this story, I have the comforting image in my head of a kitchen in Cotgrave, with Jeffrey Daniel and Howard Hewett lowering their leather disco trousers and masturbating furiously onto a deep-crust, while Jody Watley empties her nostrils Rugby League-style onto a garlic bread, and all of them growling "Gonna make THIS a night to remember, BITCH".

Thursday, April 03, 2008

This is why bus prices go up in Nottingham

(and hey! Handy access to the hospital, just in case you take too much advantage of those low, low prices)

Thanks to Rob White - no, not for the drugs, for the pic

Saturday, March 29, 2008

LL 22 is hard as HELL, battle anybody I don't care who you TELL

Apologies for my rubbish maintenance of this blog, but I'm currently editing LeftLion while the proper Ed is poncing off round the world. As you can see by that skill cover above, it might just have been worth it. Alas, Page 6 - featuring a bleddy mint article about Gay Nottingham by the chap who writes this blog - was mangled beyond recognition for some reason, so we've thrown it up on the website. You can - and should - read it here.

Other features include an interview with Chuck D, a long-overdue shine for the Fish Man, Nottingham's only Goth Plumber, an exclusive extract from Nicola Monaghan, Reverend Car Bootleg, and an upskillified listings sections. Hope you like it.

(and yes, consider this blog fully operational again)

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


Ah, fuck it. I thought it was our earth tremor. Didn't realise that we were sharing it with half the country. Sulk.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

LeftLion #21 - Aht NAAH

Shoving another handful of strawberries into Nottingham's chatty snout, LeftLion issue 21 is now available in all decent locations in town (but not the outskirts just yet, because our delivery van nearly blew up on Trent Bridge yesterday). A dead arty one, this, with loads of stuff about CCAN, Nottingham regeneration, interviews with Roni Size and Gallows, and all the other stuff you know and love.

Monday, February 04, 2008