There's a twat in me kitchen, what am I gonna do

I suppose I'd better review the latest episode of Kitchen Nightmares, seeing as it featured the Curry Lounge on Upper Parliament Street, even though I would rather watch my own Dad shit into a glass bucket. The things I do for you.

In case you're unaware, Kitchen Nightmares follows the usual Channel 4 framework of getting some toff to tell the plebs how to sort their lives out, along the lines of shows like Your Dog Needs To Be Neutered Almost As Much As You Do, Your House Stinks Of Unwashed Arse, and Look At Your Shit, You Feckless Indoor Whale, Go On, Look At It. It stars, as you're already aware, the hateful Gordon Ramsey, an Aryan who believes that, if you swear every other word, people won't notice that you're a toff doing a girl's job (ooh, hang on, my ears have started burning...).

Gordon points out that although Nottingham has shitloads of curry houses, people aren't going to the Curry Lounge - and he speculates that it might be because you can order whatever dish you like and they have tellies that play Bollywood films and they hang the nans up like aunties' knickers. No, mate - it's because it's situated on the most horrible street in Nottingham, better known as Shit Pub Alley. You don't go to Upper Parliament St for a curry. You go there to get shitfaced, put a glass into someone's face, and try to knock some slags off in Libertys. The only nan anyone's interested in that part of town is from Strelleh, and is wearing a leather mini-skirt.

After some low-level slagging off, more swearing and loads of shots of Gordon poncing about in the Square (presumably to show how ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ROCK he is to strut about right in the middle of ASSASSINATION CITY), Gordon turns it round, and when he returns the restaurant is full, which is nothing to do with the fact that the restaurant has been in the papers all summer, and he's come back with a camera crew. If Hairdressers' Monthly has taught us nothing else (and it hasn't), it's that you could fill Bulwell Lido with dog shit, and enough people would dive in and squdge about in it if there was a camera there.

Still, it was nice to see Channel 4 doing something about Nottingham without getting its knickers all sodden with bullshit about rat-faced youths shooting each other. I'll still be going to the top end of Friar Lane for a curry and Gordon Ramsey is still a cock, though.