Nottingham Education #3: Place Names

Thinking of moving to Nottingham? Good. Not sure about where to live? Even better, because I'm about to hip you to one of the great paradoxes of this lovely town.

You see, in most other cities in the UK, you can tell what an area of town is going to be like just by its name. For example, you could have never heard of London in your entire life, look at a map, and go "Hackney? That sounds like a right dump. Peckham? Ugh. Dulwich Village? Ooh, that sounds nice", and you'd be bang on the money.

Try that in Nottingham, on the other hand, and you'd be shagged. For some reason, either by fate or design, there's a strange maxim to the naming of areas, and it goes something this; the nicer an area is, the more horrible its name is, and vice versa. Don't believe me? Let's have a look at the top end of the market;

AREA		SOUNDS LIKE		ACTUALLY IS
The Park		…you’re sleeping on a bench, under some newspaper		The dead, dead, dead, dead, dead nice bit of town
West Bridgford		A service station, with a Wimpy and a bust House Of The Dead cabinet		The posh but quiet bit on the other side of the Trent
Wollaton		Grim Dickensian village, littered with sheep carcasses		Well nice and very green part of town
Mapperley Park		A mental institution (which it was perennially associated with until Rampton came along)		Full of massive houses as big as God’s head
Lady Bay		Something dead rude (“I drove my cock-lorry right into her Lady Bay”)		West Bridgford’s little sister

With me so far? Let's now move down the other end of the scale...

AREA		SOUNDS LIKE		ACTUALLY IS
Rise Park		The kind of safari park people honeymoon at		Top Valley with a nicer tracksuit
Forest Fields		Lush green eco-haven		Where the students live
Arnold		A cuddly jumper-wearing uncle		A big post office, and little else
Top Valley		Luxury ski resort where Fergie goes		Massive Tesco, horrible pubs
Bulwell		Picturesque village in Jane Austen book		Place where Steve Austin would get started on
Hyson Green		Cricketers on the square, old maids cycling to church, etc		Youths in hoodies cycling on the pavement
Bestwood		The magical place of refuge that the rabbits in Watership Down were trying to get to		Known to media as ‘No-Go-Area Bestwood’ (even though there's a bus service, and everything)
The Meadows		Flowery glade where Bambi and his chums skippety-skip all day		Where Doom would have been set if there were PCs in the 70s
St Anns		Girls school in Enid Blyton novel		Definitely not a Girls school in Enid Blyton novel

This is precisely the reason why people around the country get confused about gun crime in Nottingham; when they read about St Anns v The Meadows, they must think it's some kind of varsity hockey match. I tell you one thing; when the council announce the building of a new estate called Knifington or Anal Dog Pustules, I'm putting me name down for a house immediately.